You just got to the party and immediately start surveying the scene. Maybe you’re drunk, but these girls are fucking hot. “This is gonna be a great night!” you say as you head over to the blond over by the fridge. But be careful! There are a few pieces who may look good now, but will ruin your night, even your next couple of days. Here are our least favorite.
5. The Clinger– You’ve had one, everyone you knows has come in close contact with one of these. You hit it and for the next three days you get bombarded with texts like, “Hey I miss you already.”, or “What are you up to?”. You just met this girl! She’s a fucking nut. How could she miss you when she hasn’t stopped texting you since? You can’t even remember her last name cause she’s in your phone as “Nancy big tits”.
Best plan of action: Just ignore her. Eventually you’ll get a text calling you an asshole and hoping that you will die, and then you’ll be able to get on with your life.
4. The Girlfriend- This is the kind of girl that may not always be a problem, but when she is, it could surface at two key moments. The first is toward the end of the night. You spend all your time talking to this girl. The party thins out and you ask her to come home with you. “Oh I can’t, I have a boyfriend.” Does she not realize why you were talking to her all night? Why would I give a fuck what her dog’s name was unless I was trying to put mine in hers? The other key moment is the next night. This is when you show up at the spot and are confronted by an angry boyfriend. No taste is worth getting into a fight for.
Best plan of action: Find her early and avoid her. Always make sure the girl you’re with has no ties. But if you do take her home, just hope that you’re bigger than her boy.
3. The Tease– This type of girl is my personal least favorite. You bring her home and you’re making out. Things are real heated as you take her shirt off. But as soon as your hand hovers over her navel she pulls you away. ” I don’t do that.” Excuse me? You’re lying! Everyone does that! This girl is a huge waste of a night unless you’re looking for blue balls.
Best plan of action: There’s nothing you can do. This kind of thing wouldn’t show up until it’s already too late. The only option you have is starting every conversation with “Do you fuck?” But that’s never a good idea.
2. The Inexperienced Freshman– She’s cute and hasn’t even started packing on the freshman 15. You’ll have no problem convincing her that her dorm is way too far to walk to this late and of course you have enough room back at your place. You’re an upper classman so as far as she knows, you’re class president and captain of the water polo team. They’re gullible, limber, and looking for that first college hook up. So yup, she’s easy. The problem? Most of them haven’t seen a dick yet, let alone touched one. Instead of a warm-up hand job, you get a lazy handshake to the cock. The level of inexperience isn’t worth it unless you have already failed and the night is winding down.
Best plan of action: Wait. Worst case scenario, you’re still paying the bills.
1. The Ex-Girlfriend- This one is the only one on the list that isn’t a random hook-up but definitely worthy of the list. It’s 2 in the morning and you text her through the one eye you can still see out of asking to come through. A stroll through pound town isn’t worth having to explain that you aren’t getting back together, regardless of what you said last night. This move is always a bad move. Unless, of course, she’s thinking the same thing you’re thinking.
Best plan of action: Throw your phone out, go home and do it yourself. Yes, do it yourself.
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